I know and I feel, but I won't say.

Morning loagon,

If you take me for my face value, you are surely going to regret. Because I am definitely not as confident as I look like. I am very sheepish from inside. I usually shy away from things. There are many instances in which I prefer staying quiet and even if I want to say, I can't muster courage to do so. Instances like these have always kept me on backfoot in my home. I have always been quiet when it comes to discussions and a laggard when someone asks for opinions.

I am hesitant in my own home. Whereas, I am not the same me when I am outside. The environment outside my home brings out the best in me. Or so I believe. It has always been like that. Ever since I was young. I always feared discussions with my parents. I always hesitated in sharing my feelings to my siblings (except for Natasha). But usually, I had and still do have this fear that they will judge me. They will think I am doing something wrong. I know it isn't like that, but who can justify feelings after all?

It was yesterday that I was watching 'Kaun banega crorepati' hosted by Amitabh Bachhan. I usually don't like reality shows cuz I have a perception that they are far from reality. Anyway, just when I was watching the show, my father walked in my room and said "Aap se toh mulaakat hi nae hoti ab!" (We don't get to meet you now). I hesitated. I said no, not really. I just said salaam to you. He said "my point too. I think we talk very less now. I don't quite remember when was the last time we spoke properly". I sank in my bed with embarrassment. I know what he said was right, but my bad, I couldn't and didn't respond properly.

Rather than clearing out his confusion in this regard, I chose to stay silent. A voice inside of me was telling me to tell him, to communicate with him, to connect. But I am so bad when it comes to close relationships. I hesitate in wording my feelings. In saying them. I wanted to tell him that I am sorry, I too missed him but my schedule is as mad as a bag of hungry squirrels. But I remained silent. Tsk.

Then he kept talking, asking me for updates -- university and job et cetra. I told him in terse replies. I was actually choosing words, which was obvious in my voice. I went 'ahh', 'err', 'hmmm' again and again. My father SO dislikes that! After tolerating me for sometime, he finally said what I was expecting to hear, "You can go in your room if you feel like, because I am getting a feeling that you are not in a mood to talk". Defensively, I said, "No, it's not that. Maybe I am tired. I can't get enough energy to talk properly". He shrugged in dismay and said, "Well in that case, I don't want to torture you by keeping you here. You may leave".

I was frozen. Stuck to the chair I was sitting on. I felt SOOO bad! I cursed myself in heart. Why Sidrah?! Why? Why are you so hesitant in expressing your feelings? Why can't you enjoy laughing with your father?

*sigh*

I stood up and walked to my room, slouching. I couldn't walk properly. I was so tired that I felt my feet trembling. I felt both sorry and bad that I am such a loser. I didn't sympathise with myself though. I was very angry to myself. I still am. And this feeling is going to linger for at least a day, I am sure. I don't wanna think/talk all negative, but I guess I am just not having my days these days.